Merlin's Rules
by samfriz45
Summary: As Arthur's servant, Merlin has many chores he must do. To make his life just a tad bit easier he has devised a set of 'Rules' that help him cope with Arthur's very demanding ideas.
1. Listen to everything Arthur says

**Caution: You are about to enjoy a very funny and entertaining story. PLEASE REVIEW!**

My name is Merlin, and how in God's name I became Prince Arthur's servant is still a mystery to me. You see we started out as enemies. As in he threw me into the dungeons. The dungeons! I never would have thought that I would save his life and then become his servant. What kind of reward is that?

But, Arthur and I are friends now. Hard to believe. But, I'm still his servant. And I still have to do his chores. And that brings us to Rule #1.

-

Rule #1: _Listen to everything Arthur says. _

Now this rule may seem very boring and downright obvious, but it's important. Because, Prince I Talk A Lot, talks a lot. And sure enough you will find yourself beginning to fall asleep as he drones on... and on... and on... _and on_... _**and on**_... _**and on**_... and you get the point!

So Rule #1? Very, very important. You see, this is what happens if you_ don't_ follow Rule #1...

-

It was a nice clear spring morning day and I was walking in the courtyard waiting for Arthur to show up. You see, I'd finished all of my chores -- all seven hundred of them-- and I was wondering if I could take the rest of the day off.

"Hello Merlin," Arthur greeted me.

"Arthur," I replied.

"I see you have finished all of your chores," he went on.

"Yes-" I began.

"Well, I have more for you," he interrupted.

There went that splendid idea. Looks like I was going to be booked for the entire afternoon... unless I used magic...

"Now you must muck out the stables, change my bed sheets, clean my spare armour, find new shield..."

I zoned out. Gwen was walking across the courtyard carrying a handful of flowers. She smiled to me and continued walking. Then Gaius passed by and he seemed to be heading toward King Uthur's private chambers... I wonder what was wrong now?

"...and then go prepare my horse for an afternoon ride," Arthur finally stopped. "Did you get all of that?"

Unfortunately for me, I was still staring at Gaius. I gulped as Arthur turned to face me.

"Not paying attention, huh Merlin?" he chuckled.

"Um... no, of course not, Arthur. I'll be right on it!"

Arthur paused. "Are you sure you got everything?"

"Uh yeah, stables, bed sheets, horse... that's all right?"

"Well, Merlin I don't know. But, I'd like you to redo all of your morning chores and then do these new chores. And if you forget even one..." he trailed off.

I sighed. "I know." Actually, I didn't know, but I really didn't want to know.

And now I had a problem. When Arthur says: 'Well, Merlin I don't know. But, I'd like you to redo all of your morning chores and then do these new chores.' Then you know that you have to do every single chore that Arthur has _ever_ asked you. Then do it again, and _again_.

And that, is why Rule #1 is a _very_ important rule.


	2. Be careful using magic

My name is Merlin, and how in God's name I became Prince Arthur's servant is still a mystery to me. You see we started out as enemies. As in he threw me into the dungeons. The dungeons! I never would have thought that I would save his life and then become his servant. What kind of reward is that?

But, Arthur and I are friends now. Hard to believe. But, I'm still his servant. And I still have to do his chores. And that brings us to Rule #2.

-

Rule #2: _Be careful using magic_.

This rule is also incredibly important. Now Gaius always tells me to be careful with magic. And I am. But, remember these are the rules that help me survive _Arthur_. Now, you're confused, so I'll make it make more sense, if that made sense.

Now, I like to play tricks on Arthur, pay-back, if you will. Now, they are harmless and I really just play with his head... literally... well not in the perverted way... but.... OH JUST READ ON!!

So Rule #2? Very, very important. You see, this is what happens if you_ don't_ follow Rule #2...

-

Arthur wanted soup. Yes, soup. And it was late and supper had already been served, but Arthur wanted soup.

So I woke up the cook and told him to make Arthur a nice soup. Instead he hit me on the head with his wooden spoon. It still hurts. But, finally the cook made Arthur his soup and I went to deliver it. Now, I decided I'd play a trick on Arthur.

Now I know what you're thinking: He's the prince!

So what? I just get a kick out of seeing him flip out over nothing. Don't get me wrong, Arthur and I are good friends. I'd die for him. Actually... I've already saved his life at least two times... probably more, but who's counting?

So I gave Arthur his soup.

"Here you go Arthur," I said as I placed it on the table.

"Is there any bread to go with this?" he asked.

And lo and behold, a nice chunk of bread was sitting beside the bowl. Arthur nodded impressed. "You know me so well, Merlin."

Yes, Arthur was right: I did know him incredibly well. I also knew that the only thing that annoyed Arthur was this tiny little bell that his grandmother used to ring for him to go to sleep when he was a baby. Mad, that woman, I must admit.

But, anyway I found that tiny little bell and I used my magic to make it hover behind his head. And Arthur twitched.

"What is that?" he demanded.

"What, Arthur?" I asked innocently.

"That-that ringing... it sounds just like--" I rang the bell.

Arthur stood. He whirled around the room, searching for the sound. Poor Arthur, the faster he moved the louder the bell rang. I held back a chuckle.

"Merlin do you here that?" he asked.

"No, sir," I replied.

"Are you deaf?" he asked me bluntly.

I shook my head. "Don't think so."

"Well, I think you are."

Now, I could have said: "Then how come I can here you?" But, I knew that would be bad.

"What are you hearing Arthur?" I asked.

"That damn bell!" he bellowed.

Arthur ran around the room, throwing pillows everywhere. He looked in his wardrobe and in his desk. He ran back and looked in his soup, yes his soup. No such luck. Now the bell was suspended over his head. I lowed it until it barely touched his head. He jumped.

In his wild move he dumped the soup all over himself and the table collapsed as well. He stopped moving, but I kept the ringing going.

"Merlin, do you here it now?" he asked strangely calm.

"No, sir."

And that's when he lost. Like completely lost it. He stormed out of the room. I brought the bell back to my pocket and I ran after him. But, then I stopped myself. Arthur would tell me to clean it up... but since he wasn't here I could use magic to clean it up!

And that is what I did.


	3. Do not complain

My name is Merlin, and how in God's name I became Prince Arthur's servant is still a mystery to me. You see we started out as enemies. As in he threw me into the dungeons. The dungeons! I never would have thought that I would save his life and then become his servant. What kind of reward is that?

But, Arthur and I are friends now. Hard to believe. But, I'm still his servant. And I still have to do his chores. And that brings us to Rule #3.

-

Rule #3: _Do not complain._

Now you would think that if I ever complained about my work to Arthur it would have happened early on in our friendship, like before we were really friends. But no, I'd kept my mouth shut and sucked it up. But the closer Arthur and I became? The harder the chores got.

So two weeks ago? I finally filed a complaint. Well, actually I just asked Arthur for a break. And his answer... read on to find out.

So Rule #2? Very, very important. You see, this is what happens if you_ don't_ follow Rule #2...

-

I'd just washed up after I'd mucked the stables out for two hours. And yeah, I was tired. I'd cleaned all of Arthur's armour and his chambers, and his horse. Yes, I gave his horse a bath. And Arthur's horse? He hates bathes. So let's just say I got more of a bath than he did.

So I was walking down toward Gwen's to see if I could avoid Arthur.

But of course, with my luck, that didn't happen.

I'd just made it down to Gwen's front door when I heard someone call out my name. It was excessively cheery and excited. No one in the entire world would greet me like that, except for Arthur when he has even more chores for me to get done.

"Hello Arthur," I groaned.

Arthur nodded. A smile across his face. "I need you to help the cook clean the kitchens. Some of them are sick with a fever and can't help him. Then, report to the practice field where I can practice for the next tournament."

I groaned again, this time much louder. Arthur looked at me funny. "Is there a problem?"

As much as I wanted to say 'Yes.' I didn't. "No," I replied, but it too sounded a lot like a groan.

Arthur's eyes lit up, like a child you just got a pound of chocolate from their favorite aunt or uncle. I had a bad, bad feeling that I was chocolate and my mouth had been the aunt or uncle. Now that was one bad metaphor...

"You know what Merlin?" Arthur asked. "The kitchens will be fine without you. I need some practice now."

Out of all of Arthur's chores-- and yes there are a lot-- I hated this one the most. One, because Arthur was experienced and could just make me make a fool of myself; two, I couldn't use magic; and three, I had absolutely no idea what the hell I was doing.

So forty-five minutes later we were in the practice field. I had on a very large helmet. I held a sword weakly in my hand. Arthur smiled as he spun his sword in his hand, that got really annoying sometimes...

He then attacked.

And let's just say I made a sound a lot like a screaming girl. But somehow I managed to hold my sword up to somewhat block the attack. Arthur grinned again. I noticed he wasn't calling out his attacks whenever he did attack, like he usually did.

That made it worse for my already horrible situation. Just my luck, I thought grimly.

-

That's when it went black.

I awoke three hours later in my bed with Arthur and Gaius standing over me. They both looked worried.

"I didn't hit him _that_ hard," Arthur said.

My head felt like it was about to explode. "Ow," I mumbled.

I sat up and leaned against my pillow. I took my hand and placed it on my head, I could feel a large bump as big as a grapefruit on my head.

"What did you do to me?" I weakly asked Arthur.

Arthur shrugged. "My sword hit your helmet and you fell over on your head."

I nodded slowly. "Thanks."

"No problem," Arthur replied, somewhat cheerfully.

And that's when I understood why Arthur was happy. That was his plan the entire time! Well maybe not the knocking out part, or maybe it was. All I know is that because I complained I got a very, very painful grapefruit bump on my head.

Arthur cleared his throat. "Now Merlin, since you are awake again, why don't you give the kitchen some help?"

It wasn't a suggestion. It was an order. I groaned and unfortunately for me, Arthur heard it.

"On second thought, how about we got back to the practice field. I forgot my shield..."


	4. Arthur is a git

My name is Merlin, and how in God's name I became Prince Arthur's servant is still a mystery to me. You see we started out as enemies. As in he threw me into the dungeons. The dungeons! I never would have thought that I would save his life and then become his servant. What kind of reward is that?

But, Arthur and I are friends now. Hard to believe. But, I'm still his servant. And I still have to do his chores. And that brings us to Rule #3.

-

Rule #3: _Arthur is a git_.

This rule is pretty obvious. I mean really: Arthur is a git. Anyone want to disagree? Anyone....? Nope, see. He is. This is just one of the many, many examples of Arthur's strange and annoying ways...

-

I was in the armory polishing Arthur's sheild. Today had been a very long day and extremely hot. To make matters worse Gaius was running a low fever but I had to do all of his collecting and writing. Let's just say that Gaius has a lot to do even though he's old.

I was just about done when Gwen entered the armory with a new sword that her father had made. She placed it with the other swords and then came over to me. She took a seat on the wooden bench opposite me.

"How's Gaius?" she asked. Her voice was full of concern.

I shrugged. I continued cleaning the shield. I then sighed.

Gwen chuckled. "Something on your mind?"

I looked up. The cloth fell from my hand. I bent down to pick it up. "Arthur isn't taking any pity on me," I complained.

"Well he is a git, you know," Gwen whispered.

I knew Gwen disliked Arthur just as much as Morgana liked him... but to call him a git. "You think?" I asked.

Gwen nodded. "He's self-centered and he's annoying. He may be a loyal friend... but you know," Gwen trailed off getting frustrated. There was a faint call that probably belonged to Gwen's father because she quickly stood up. "Have to go... Promise not to tell anyone I said that?"

"I promise,"I told Gwen with a smile on my face. She shook her head in digust. "I may be a girl, but I am no Lady."

She left the room, softly chuckling. I shook my head in wonder. Gwen wasn't your average girl.

-

After I'd finished cleaning Arthur's shield I headed back to check on Gaius, but Arthur, of course, was waiting for me.

I sighed. "Don't you have anything better to do?" I asked.

Arthur frowned at me. "Is that anyway to talk to the King's son?" he asked in a joking manner.

"What do you want me to do, Arthur?" I asked impatiently.

"You polished my shield?"

"Yes Arthur. And I sharpened your sword."

Arthur's face brightened up. "Good Merlin! You're learning."

"Uh... thanks...?" I tried.

Arthur didn't seem to hear me. He was thinking, which wasn't a good sign for me. "What?" I asked nervously.

"Did you clean my battle armour? Or did you mend my cloak?" he asked.

I sighed. "No Arthur, I didn't."

Arthur threw his hands in the air. "Well there you have it, chop, chop!" he told me clapping his hands.

"Arthur," I said firmly, "I have to check on Gaius. He's sick remember?"

"So? It's just a fever," Arthur told me.

"Well, when you had a fever Gaius didn't let you out of your room for three days," I added.

"Well Gaius isn't the prince," Arthur replied.

I stared at Arthur. "He's the royal physician and your father's trusted friend. Do you want him dead?"

Arthur laughed. "I highly doubt he will die over a fever, Merlin."

"Stranger things have happened," I muttered.

Once again Arthur didn't seem to have heard me. Instead he cleared his throat. "Well, enough of this small talk," Arthur began. "You have work to get done!"

I just stared at Arthur in shock. Would he rather Gaius be dead and his already clean armour be polished again? Did he have no respect for the man who cured him several times from his childhood illneses?

"No, Athur. Not right now. I need to check on Gaius."

I tried to take a step past Arthur, but he stepped in my path. "What?"

"Arthur, what's wrong with you? It will only take me five minutes to check on Gaius and then I can take care of your stupid armour."

Arthur just stared at me and clucked his tongue. "Do you know your place, Merlin?"

"Do you know yours, Arthur?" I asked back. "Gaius is a friend of yours! Friends are more important than armour!" I yelled. "Arthur... you're a... you're a git!"

Arthur laughed once. "A git?" he asked in disbelief. "Did you really just call me a git?"

I nodded. "Yes."

Arthur then began a full-hearted laugh. "Oh Merlin... you better get used to not sleeping because your going to be given even more work after you tend to Gaius," Arthur told me. He then laughed again. "A git? Really? Where did you get that?"

**Okay please review! If I don't get at least five reviews I won't update again. No more chapters. Zipo! So review if you want more!**


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